This Summer's Playlist . . .

It has been over a month since my last post. I have meant to post several times then stopped myself because there seemed no way to actually put my thoughts down. Well, I have not yet found out how to express my thoughts. I am writing now, actually, because I feel that if I don’t write, I will burst. Let’s just see where this post leads us.

Perhaps later entries will have more detail regarding summer plans and lessons, and the happenings of this past semester. For now, I just want to list the songs on repeat in my playlist right now. Just because.

Last December when I first heard this song I sat one morning and played it over and over again for an hour.  It has been on repeat many times since then. It is on repeat now as I write this. Funny. I first started playing it because it seemed like a key. If I just listened to it often enough maybe I could crack the code and figure it all out. I am not sure at what point it actually became mine – and not just the clue to a puzzle.

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I think "Far Away" will be a perennial favorite. I have yet to play it for a friend who didn't cry hearing it for the first time.

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Other songs on repeat these days:

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

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I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

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Well she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
Stupid boy…you can’t fence that in
Stupid boy…it’s like holdin’ back the wind .

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I know its gonna take some time
for you to trust this love of mine
I know he broke your heart in two
you've been betrayed and your afraid
that i will do the same to you
but you will be safe here in my arms forever and a day
though you dont believe me now
i'll never walk away
and you, you know i'll be there when tomorrow comes
you're the only one.

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I've never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've givin' to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more then just your man
I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...

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I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you  . . . .

Optimism

“It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily.

“So it is.”

“And freezing.”

“Is it?”

“Yes,” said Eeyore. “However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake lately.” – A. A. Milne.

An Island in a Sea of People

I know I have neglected this blog for awhile. Truth be told, I have started new entries several times, but never finished. Sometimes it's hard to write here. But sometimes this is the only way I manage to get my thoughts written out in some coherent form.

Today's key word: loneliness.

"To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet." – Charles Caleb Colton

Sometimes I feel as if I am meant to live alone. It seems that every time I can finally tell myself, "Now you have found your place. Now you will no longer be alone. Now you won't feel as if it is you against the world," everytime I get to that point - everything is ripped away from me. Why does God never let me find a place of rest? What am I supposed to learn that I am not getting? What does God want from me? To be alone? To become accustomed to it? To accept it? But I know:

“Loneliness is the first thing which God’s eye named, not good.” – John Milton

Is this feeling not unique to me?

Currently Listening Love, Pain & the Whole Crazy Thing By Keith Urban Stupid Boy see related

Balancing on a bouncing ball on a pole above the lion's den . . .

By this time I imagine everyone knows that my favorite analogy for "the perfect life," as it were, is that of a balancing act. A balance between two extremes, something like Aristotle's virtuous median between an excess and a deficiency. How do you know where to strike that balance? When are you being a fool and when are you showing love? When do you know that you're in that median? And what if those you respect most are all telling you different things, and God just seems to keep throwing new things at you everyday?

I guess tonight's dilemma is summed up well by some quotes . . .

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." - Dale Carnegie

vs.

"A promise is a comfort for a fool.” - Anonymous

So I did a search on "fool." That was the word of the day. Not that it was a bad day. Quite the opposite. But one thinks very serious thoughts at the end of such a long day. Especially such a long day which ends with very serious conversations.

“You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world’s happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.” – Dale Carnegie (1888-1955)

Ah, that is all well and good. But what happens when opening yourself up like that leaves you open and naked and and just waiting for the blow that you know must be coming? And what happens when doing the right thing requires making yourself open and naked like that?

Or does that ever happen?

This would all be a lot easier if God would just do the whole trumpet blaring and voice from Heaven deal.

"A brother is a friend God gave you . . .

 . . . a friend is a brother your heart chose for you."

Or perhaps it should end "a friend is a brother God chose for you." In which case the quote becomes even more astounding. 

How do you get a friendship like that? How do you keep it going? How do you keep your own motives and thoughts pure? How do you love like that?

I want to be a sister to my guy friends. I want to show Christ's love in a holy and pure manner. I want people to look at how I treat guys and say, "That is how love should look. That is how a godly young woman should behave." I want to be fun-loving and teasing, but never a flirt. I want to be caring and compassionate but never shallow. I want to know when to laugh and when to be serious. I want to be able to offer advice and criticism without being self-righteous and to graciously receive lectures from those wanting to help me. I want to build up my brothers in the Lord. I want to challenge them to excellence as they do the same for me.

I want to be a woman of grace. Not because of how I dress. Not because of any outward adornments. Not because of my achievements or abilities. But because I treat others with grace. I have seen such women and the innate elegance that emanates from them. And that is what I want to become.